


Idiots

by MandM1068



Category: Daredevil (TV), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: And maybe Weasel too, Anxiety, BAMF Peter Parker, Big Brother!Wade, Big brother!Matt, But wade can't die so, Fluff, Foggy Nelson is so done, Gen, Human Disaster Matt Murdock, Human Disaster Peter Parker, I'm still sad that they didn't add them in the movie, If Peter gets hurt Matt and Wade will kill everyone and then themselves, Kid Fic, Kid Peter Parker, Peter Parker Has Panic Attacks, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Peter Parker isn't Spider-Man, So is Karen, Wade Wilson Breaking the Fourth Wall, Wade is wade, Wade makes an apperance later, and claire, bc wade is wade, but its wade so he's alive!, he dies, like 9 or 10, not spideypool, peter is baby, white box - Freeform, yellow box - Freeform, yet - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:28:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23706904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MandM1068/pseuds/MandM1068
Summary: Where everyone is an idiot and Peter is adorable
Relationships: Franklin "Foggy" Nelson & Peter Parker, Karen Page & Peter Parker, Matt Murdock & Franklin "Foggy" Nelson, Matt Murdock & Karen Page, Matt Murdock & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Wade Wilson
Comments: 9
Kudos: 135





	1. Matt's amazing guide on how to treat homeless children

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first fic on archive! Hopefully this goes well! Any criticism is welcomed in the comments! Anyways, enjoy!

Matt was an idiot. 

He couldn’t understand how he got into this situation, one moment he’s fighting Nazi ninjas, then he’s in the goddamn garbage for the umpteenth time.  
‘It’s meant to be’ Matt thought cynically. 

“Are you okay mister?” Matt heard a voice say. They were young, around eight or nine. Matt groaned. Just his luck that he gets stuck with a kid. Not even mentioning the broken bones he has. Claire was going to beat his ass. Forgetting the fact that Foggy will nag at him for days when he finds out. 

“Mister?” the kid called again. 

“Where are your parents' kid?” No matter how many years he lived in New York, Matt would never get over how the parents here didn’t watch their children all that well. 

“Mummy and Daddy are in heaven,” the boy said. 

‘Shit,” Matt thought, ‘What an asshole move, ask a kid that is out at buttfuck o’clock where his parents are. Great job Matt, ten out of ten would do again.’ Now not only did he have to deal with a child, but he also had to deal with an angsty child. Matt had no one to blame, but himself. He realized that his mask was gone. He might as well make use out of the kid and maybe threaten him a tiny little bit to make sure his identity was safe. Just a little ominous message, that should scare the small child. Matt groaned as he started to get out of the trash can, he could feel his broken ribs moving with every moment of sitting up. Claire was gonna have an aneurysm, Matt could feel it in his broken soul. (‘I’m not a Doctor Matt, you don’t have healing powers stop being so reckless. The only reason you haven’t is because of your Catholicism I swear to God.’) Matt was never going to fight nazjas again. (Nazjas is an accurate name for them, no Foggy it’s not funny! Stop laughing!) 

While Matt was having a hysteria attack, this is when realization started to hit the boy. ‘I’m trying to help a crazy person,’ Peter thought. He had no idea what to do. He had asked the man several times if he was alright and to no avail, the man, not only did not answer, but the second time around he started to laugh. ‘This man is going to kill me’ realization started to hit Peter. ‘I’m not going to come out of this.’ Peter started to slowly back away. Maybe, if Peter slowly went out of the weird man's vision, he wouldn’t notice, and Peter could getaway. ‘Don’t talk to strangers they said, you’ll regret it they said. Oh, I’m so regretting it now.’ He made a dash for the homeless alleyway that he had spent the last few days in. ‘If I’m gonna die, at least people will witness my death.’ Peter thought.  
The kid was running away. The kid was running away. The same kid that had seen Matt fight the ninja Nazis. The kid same kid that had seen Matt's face. Shit. Matt jumped out of the trash can, refusing to acknowledge the pain he was in. He started dashing for the kid, surprisingly (or unsurprisingly) Matt caught up with the kid quickly. Matt lunged for the kid, tackling him as they fell, the force of landing on the pavement scrapping them both. Matt noticed that the kid was about to scream, cry, call for help, all the things Matt couldn’t let him do. He put his hand on the kid's mouth, making sure that nothing would be heard from him. 

Peter was going to die, no doubts about it now. How could he have been so stupid? He should have minded his own business instead of poking his head around where he wasn’t needed. Peter started kicking and screaming or at least trying to. The man had a firm hold on him. Peter wasn’t getting out anytime soon. With that realization, he stopped his movements to escape the man's hold. The man dragged him back to the alleyway. 

“Are you gonna be quiet?” He asked. Peter nodded, millions of scenarios flooding through his brain. Anxiety crawling all over his body, he saw the man sighed in relief. “Okay, I’m going to let go of your mouth, understand?” Peter shook his head. “Then, you're going to listen very closely to what I say, understood?” Again, Peter shook his head. The man slowly took his hand away, as if he was worried any fast movement was going to scare Peter away. 

Matt couldn’t believe what he was doing. He truly was an idiot. Only now realizing what his actions meant to a ten-year-old. The kid probably thought Matt was a mass murderer so some crazy thing like that. “I’m not going to kill you.” Matt blurted. The kids' frame seemed to relax a bit, Matt continued, “You saw my face, which means that you’re a liability,” he resisted the urge to slap himself as the kid became tense again. Matt really wasn’t helping his own case (later that day he would laugh at the irony during a meeting with one of his clients). 

“I won’t tell anyone!” Peter pleaded, “Please let me go back to my home!” Peter was going to do whatever it took to get back into his attic. He hadn’t survived on the streets all these years to be killed by a man that was hysterical because Peter saw his face. The man had a thoughtful look on his face, seeming to realize his mistake with calling Peter a liability. The man did say that he didn’t want to kill him, but Peter was aware that there are things worse than death. What if he was another Skip? Peter froze terror flooding through his body, no he would not think of that man.  
“Please sir, let me go” Peter just wanted to go to his attic at this point. If he got lucky on the way he could con the hotdog man into giving him a free one. The man looked as if he was going to say something more about his identity. Why was seeing his face such a big deal anyway? 

It’s not like Peter was going to the police anytime soon, considering he was actively running away from CPS. If anything, Peter should be the one worried. Curiosity overwhelmed him and before he could think, he was asking, “What’s the big deal of seeing your face? It’s not like you’re Iron Man or Captain America.” As soon as Peter said that realization dawned on him, “Are you one of those vigilantes?”  
Let it be known that Matt actively tried to be a good person. He was a lawyer for God’s sake, yet here he is. In an alleyway, with a kid. A kid that now knew Matt as a vigilante or at least suspected as such. Matt was an idiot; these words were going to go on his grave at some point. Maybe he should distract the kid. If he bullshitted his way out of this, Matt would never doubt in any god ever again. 

“Doesn’t matter, look kid. How about I go buy you an early breakfast and we forget about this whole ordeal entirely?” Matt asked.

There was no way he was going to pass up a full entire meal for free. He hadn’t eaten anything for a whole day. Contemplating the pros and cons, his appetite won over any rational thought. “Sure,” Peter answer simply, “Where to?” 

“There’s a good diner somewhere around here,” Matt said. 

“So, are you a vigilante?” Matt sighed. He truly was an idiot.


	2. Where Wade dies and Peter dies (but only on the inside)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter: Wade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't expect I would get the 2nd chapter out this soon... Updates will be sporadic because I sometimes just lack willpower and inspiration. I'll try to get out 2 updates a month though... They will all at least be 1k. Also, if anyone wants to beta for me... I'm looking for one
> 
> Anyways, hope y'all enjoy!

Wade wasn’t sure how this became his life. One moment he’s getting it on with the hottest woman ever known to man, then the next thing he knew he was what happened if someone's wrinkly grandmother had hate sex with an avocado. It was the eighth mystery of the world. So, here was Wade minding his own business, nothing out of the ordinary was happening (unless you count dying in an alleyway as unordinary). Then, this kid shows up. Mind you that Wade has seen a lot of shit in his life, but never would he have expected for this kid to walk up to him. For this pre-pubescent child, not over the age of ten, to ask him if he was okay.

“Kid jus’ get outta ‘ere,” Wade slurred. He didn’t have the brainpower to deal with this shit right now, not when he had a moment of peace without the boxes around.

“Don’t be a big dummy stupid, sir,” the kid had retorted, annoyance covering his features. “You’re hurt and it doesn’t seem like anyone is going to come to help you. I’ll help you if you promise to give me food and not kill me.” Damn, this kid had balls. It was refreshing to see someone so young not be afraid of him, but that was either because the kid had seen some shit or was oblivious. Wade hoped it was the latter but considering that he’d asked for food.

The kid didn’t wait for Wade to answer. “I’m going to bring you to my attic,” the kid said, “By the way, I’m Peter.”

“Wade,” he had replied. He heard the kid muttering about how at least this time he didn’t get scared to death before learning a name, but that was neither here nor there because a few words in Wade had promptly died.

***

Peter was an idiot.

You would think that he would learn the first time, but no. Peter did not learn, he did exactly the opposite. He was bringing this person, ‘Wade’ he reminded himself, to his attic. His home. This had to be a sign that Peter had some type of mental affliction. No sane person ever did half the stuff Peter did. Sadly, Peter just couldn’t leave the dying man in an alleyway. ‘I’m paying it forward,’ thinking about the time a woman named May helped him after a good beat down. As they approached the attic, Peter got stumped. How was he going to get Wade up on the fire escape? Better yet, how did he even drag Wade here in the first place? Thinking about that, he started to notice he muscles aching.

Peter went to make sure Wade was still alive. His heart dropped. ‘Dammit, I should have been more careful!’ He thought. Despair washing over him, he failed Wade. Peter had let him die. Tears welled up in Peter’s eyes. He bit back a sob, why does everyone he ever meets always die, with a few exceptions. First his parents, then Ben, and now Wade. Another person dying due to his stupidity. He started to shake Wade.

“Wake up! Please, wake up!” Peter begged. He wasn’t going to sit back and just let him die. Peter had to try. He shook the man faster. “Please, please, please, wake up!” he blubbered. He gasped, except it wasn’t his own gasp. It was Wade! “Oh my god!! You’re alive!” Peter screamed. “How? Your heart wasn’t beating, and I doubt my crying was what brought you back.” Wiping his face with his sleeve to get rid of the snot and tears.

“Of course, I am, probably shoulda said something about not dying, but now you know for next time!” Wade said.

 _‘We shouldn’t be allowed to even be by children.’_ White said.

 **‘I agree, all we’re gonna do is scare him with our grotesque face or get him killed,’** Yellow agreed.

‘Fuck you both. I, for one, think that Petey will be a good influence on us. Perhaps, we’ll turn into a big brother figure! I mean that’s what the tags say,’ Wade thought.

“Now, did you mention some type of attic?” Wade asked.

“Yes!” Peter exclaimed, “My attic, it’s where I live since I’m homeless.”

“Actively running from CPS, damn kid,” Wade blew a whistle, “Wait, child, no swearing. Shit. No! Fuck! Goddammit!” Peter looked at the man in the red and black suit. He was hilarious.

“Don’t worry,” Peter giggled. Wade really knew how to make a person feel better. “Do you still wanna go? Or you can get me some food, I still did drag a good bit to get to my attic. I am starving!” Peter had learned long ago that pride didn’t exist when you didn’t have any money. Years of living on the streets had taught him that if someone is offering something, you better take it. If someone seemed to be sympathetic enough, get on your knees and beg. Sometimes, Peter would run into certain types of men and women alike that thought it was funny to see Peter begging for them to buy him food. Peter never allowed himself to be embarrassed because if it meant that he survived another day on the streets.

Other times, Peter would meet people like Skip. Those were the people he made sure to avoid. When he had first started living on the streets, Peter was too naïve. He blindly gave his trust to people that weren’t deserving of it. After being on the streets for four years, Peter knew which people were likely to fall for his charm and which people were monsters. It never did get any better with them, never got easier either, but Peter would be damned before he let them coheres him again.

“Sure, you like tacos kid?” Wade asked.

“Duh,” Peter replied, “Oh I couldn’t help but notice the suit and mask. So, I must ask, are you a vigilante?”

Seeing the baffled look on Wades face was worth it. Peter smiled. ‘I seem to be making a lot of friends recently.’

As the duo made their way to the Mexican restaurant, Peter kept pestering Wade to take off his mask. Wade kept asking Peter why should he listen to a pipsqueak. (Which Peter was not thankyouverymuch! Wade was just ginormous)

“C’mon Waaaaadddde,” Peter whined, “I saw another vigilantes face! And I’m keeping it a secret!”

“Who’s?” Wade asked.

“I can’t tell you! That’s the point of secret in secret identity! I know you’re just testing me!”

Peter tell that Wade didn’t believe him. He huffed; it wasn’t that hard to run into vigilantes or superhero's; it was New York for Pete's sake. They entered the restaurant and went into a booth. It shouldn’t have surprised Peter that no one batted an eye at them because New York was filled with crazy shit. Hell, the staff even seemed familiar with Wade; that man wasn’t kidding about loving Mexican food.

“What do you want Petey?” Wade asked him. Looking down on his menu Peter told the waiter what he wanted, followed by Wade ordering more food than any normal person could eat.

“So, Petey, it seems that you make it a habit of helping out people like me, with your other vigilante friend,” Wade looked expectantly at him. As if he was waiting for Peter to tell him that he had lied to Wade to see his identity.

“Wade I actually did meet and talk to him! He took me out to that one diner! What’s it called? Omelettes? Omega? Omelas? Whatever, but he’s real! Obviously, I can’t tell you who he is because I’m a trustworthy person.”

Wade could see a tantrum bubbling up in the kid. Honestly, Wade was happy that even if Petey had a shitty life, he still could act his age. ‘Maybe I should take him in?’ Wade thought to himself.

‘ _Are you dumb? There’s no way we can take care of a kid!_ ’ White screeched at him.

‘ **Maybe we could...** ’ Yellow hesitated, ‘ **It’s not like he would know the difference between bad and good parenting. Either his parents are dead or didn’t want him.** ’

“I can’t just leave him out on the streets,” Wade muttered. Taking Peter’s attention away from the colouring sheet to Wade.

“What did you say?” Peter asked, looking adorably confused. Wade’s cold, evil, murderous heart melted at the sight. ‘How could anyone not want this sweet child?’ Just as the thought crossed his mind the food came. Peter didn’t waste any time and dug into the food. There was so much there! He could eat until his heart bled! After a few minutes of pigging out, Peter noticed that Wade wasn’t eating.

“Why aren’t you eating? Isn’t Mexican food your favourite?” Peter saw Wade sigh, shoulders slumping.

“I just didn’t want you to see this train wreck of a face, kiddo,” Wade said as he lifted his mask up. Showing all the scars layering on top of another. Wade watched the kid, gauging for a reaction, nothing happened. Peter continued to eat, didn’t even blink an eye at the disaster of Wades face. Wade would never understand this kid, maybe it was a thing with the new generation? Maybe Peter was just being polite, but Wade couldn’t see the pity. He couldn’t see any of the disgust he usually got, finally, Wade relented. He slumped into his seat and started eating, careful not to talk until the meal was over.

Peter looked at Wade, seeing the big intimidating man have a look of fear at Peter was appalling. Peter smiled at him, hoping to calm the larger man's nerves. They had finished their meal; Wade had paid the check and they were on their way out. They big their goodbyes and Peter walked away. Unaware of Wade staring at his retreating figure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone know how to put bolds and italics? 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
